Is my value based extrinsically or intrinsically? Do the people I value, return the favour? Or am I just a cash cow & a supplier of sorts? If I die today, who will cry?
Who will want to jump into my grave, while my casket is being lowered, & switch places with me?
Who has stood with me through thick & thin?
Who has ever allowed me to shed the tears in my heart and in return spoke truth, love, light and life in return?
All I am and all I have experienced is that i am a cash cow, financier and a tissue. Gossipped, used and abandoned at my lowest & at my highest valued for what you will gain from me.
Rejection and pain have always been my constant complications. They fight for me always. Even when I fight them off.
Betrayal, denial & neglect are scripts too familiar, no matter how much love & sacrifice I put in. The hardest & most frequently encountered is from immediate family.
Yes, I pray.
Yes, I love God & He loves me.
Yes, He is my faithful friend.
But the human touch is a class by itself. Essential to life & living.
Friends to celebrate you, encourage you, rebuke you, grow you and just be there for you as you did them when you thought that you were friends.
Bitterness has been part of my journey but no more, I let go.
The paranoia phase is worst coz even your hobbies lose meaning & life, as you know it, becomes a prison. Literally.
Burdensome, ain’t it?
Hope is the last thing to lose.
In between hope and rejection and pain is limbo. Limbo is filled with painful tears, regret, eventual sad realisations, withdrawal, pretense, hard truth, loneliness, despair, loyalty from the wrong company, jealousy and everything else you want to imagine.
I have been there, done that and got the t-shirt.
God is good.
I hold on to the hope that there are some good humans left out there. That one day, God will give me a community of loyal friends just as I have been to all who have proven otherwise.
I am hopelessly hopeful because I know God is not like man.
Ask. Seek. Knock.
Till when God opens that door where rejection & pain will not overshadow me, I will be found in God.